Repost: Toddlers: Put on Earth to make parents say ridiculous things

I've contributed to the Orlando Sentinel's Moms at Work blog since 2010. The blog is changing content management systems and my old posts will no longer be available to the public, so I'm reposting them here, in the order that they were originally posted.


Nov. 30, 2011

Why didn't anybody tell me that becoming a parent would mean I'd start saying completely ridiculous things?

My 2-year-old has absolutely no grasp of normal human logic, and in order to get through to her, I find myself saying things that make no sense.

Things like:

• Please don't comb the plant with your fork
• Please don't put your feet on the table
• We don't put our shoes in our mouths
• Please don't stir your water with your fork
• Don't stand on the dog (this is, unfortunately, something my husband and I say regularly)
• Why do you have rice on your forehead?
• No, I don't want to wear the pull-up. Pull-ups are not for mommies
• We don't generally celebrate birthdays for plants, so you don't have to tell the trees 'happy birthday'
• Please don't put the crackers in your pocket

One recent afternoon, I realized I hadn't said anything that would make sense to a normal person in more than two hours and wondered if I might be going stark raving mad. It might make more sense sometimes if we just read words from the dictionary at random.

What ridiculous things do you find yourself saying to your children?